love.

there's this man that comes into the coffee shop. he talks about abstract art on thin paper, and falling in love with someone you'll never be with. at first, that idea was foreign and isolating, love without your love? i ran into him again today, somehow that same thought seemed honest and forgiving. i love all the imperfect relationships my mind has with beautiful strangers. his words sounded from a higher source. he said, "never settle for less than your equal. there is someone that is equal to you." my heart has an unsettling romantic dialog with long lost loves from other cosmic parallel lives. does equality find love rancid and drink every passionate drop of juice till the end? or does love become perfection? i'm not really sure how to answer that. i'm not even sure i know what i mean.
i feel rather empty and disillusioned. i'm floating on this merry go round. the music is a dream.

x-mas.

it was damp this morning. i spent this morning trying to figure out facebook. what a strange place. it makes me realize how abstract social relationships are becoming. my roomie friend and i decided to spend our day at the ocean, so we drove to san pedro, my favorite place. san pedro is so humble and magical. when i am walking on the rocks i feel like i'm on another planet. they look so unformed and exotic, like i landed on venus or something, where everything is pure and the life form is just water, sea creatures, and rocks. i love how rocks become soft around the edges from the constant collision with other rocks, that is the nature of the ocean. it's so daring and edgy. i feel so alive when i'm by the water. i feel like a city mermaid who's visiting home. a comforting place that makes my heart warm. the sea is alive. the sea creatures are breathing deeply. the little pools of water that form between edges of rocks, look like fairy ponds. the moss is vital and forming on rocks. the ocean is undisturbed by industrial architecture. it is a untamed and free. my genetic memories enlighten by the ocean. time is uncompressed and life is moving. my dreams are as big as the sea.

cold air.

it's so cold, i can't feel my bones. maybe it's that all my clothes are made of thin material. i keep getting the same sickness. i think it's because of the cold at night. i've been dreaming icicles. maybe it's my weak immune system. i want to feel my throat again.
i've been having illusions again. illusions that i went to this imaginary place so i could be surprised with love. a love that will never exist because it's for the better. sometimes i hate that things are for the better and you can't have them. even though there is a higher purpose, i so want to "have" those things. sometimes.

winter solstice.

winter: in the depths of winter we go within. the darkness is an inner meditation, the concept: who are we? like the cold dark corners the earth rotates into, we rotate within ourselves. what needs to be examined closer; what needs more light? the darkness is apart of the healing we do within ourselves. the cycle is organic.
last night, we were 15. the words "we are the ones" echoed faintly in my head. what does that mean? but a gentle voice of a man led us into the darkness. it was quiet, i was in joy. the picture of a familiar face on the wall made me giggle in my soul. his peace and presence reminded me that things will always be the way they were meant, even if it takes hundreds or thousands of years, they will be. maybe that's why his calm smile the picture capture made me feel at ease.
now i have a white feather i nurture. it is my child. i give it love and light so it can grow, and one day be free.
winter is a beautiful concept.

saying...

"There is an ancient Indian saying that something lives only as long as the last person who remembers it. My people have come to trust memory over history. Memory, like fire, is radiant and immutable while history serves only those who seek to control it, those who douse the flame of memory in order to put out the dangerous fire of truth. Beware these men for they are dangerous themselves and unwise. Their false history is written in the blood of those who might remember and of those who seek the truth." -spoken by Floyd Westerman as "Albert Hosteen" in The X-Files episode "The Blessing Way", written by Chris Carter

ghosts and cyborgs.

i had a dream that my brothers god parents died. when they died i saw the energies. i was able to talk to them and physically see them. they told me how they enjoyed being able to travel anywhere and come back fast, because in the energy side you're not bound by the limitations a physical body has, so you can travel at light speed. so they would keep coming back and communicating with me, it was quite fun. i baked them a cake, even though they couldn't eat it, but i knew the smells would feed them. so i kept making things for them that would feed their energy. it was a fun gift to have, i wasn't frightened at all by this ability.
i'm officially done with classes and I feel very achieved by the results.
i got into a "discussion" today about health, values, cybernetics, etc. i'm not one of those people that likes to convert people and try to make them believe me, but when people come out with stupid(not thought out) sayings, i will defend my opinions. however, i don't enjoy arguments or discussions like that. if your one of those people that thinks your always right and wants to tell people how you think they should be because you know what's best for them, seriously re-think your statements. i do have strong opinions and i always stick to what i know, but i don't go around telling people what they should do, unless the ask me for my opinion. i don't care if people eat meat or not, or if they believe the next president is g-d, or if they think society will function better as cyborgs, but when people tell me that i shouldn't do this or that, and they haven't even questioned their own way of life, i start questioning...is there any hope for the human race? yes there are facts, and they are man made by our own scientific and mathematical formulations. we are limited by our own definitions. what this society could use is not more morons who think they know, but people who are still questioning, searching for the answers. if we had all the answers, we wouldn't be in such a globally disoriented mess.

retrograde?

okay so no planets are retrograde this month, but if any day felt like mercury retrograde it was today. with the plumbers in my apartment working on the piping in the bathroom, i was left with 2 unnecessary gigantic holes in the wall. then the tentants that live above me decided to poor large amounts of water on the walls so that it would leak down to my kitchen, just cause they like to cause havoc. to top it all off my internet wasn't working for a better half of the day. strange petunias! on a brighter note, i think i did wonderfully on my math test. how did i prepare? i watched stand and deliver the night before my final.

bolt.

i just got back from the movies. i went to see bolt at el capitan. always a fun time. it's so dramatic and hollywood fantastical, i just love it. the organist. the pre-movie theatrics-this time of year it's all chrismas themed song and dance. today was a bonus though, because the movie was showing in 3-d, so we got 3-d glasses, which is always awesome. i enjoyed the special effects more than anything. a cute film though. defintaley summed up my feeling towards l.a. a big fanastical movie, where a lot of people get lost thinking it's all real.
it was nice to be on hollywood boulevard on a cold rainy day. there was a nice humble feeling about it, until of course i saw spider man posing on a fire hydrant for some tourist pictures. hollywood never fails to be what it was all glammed out to be.

bird.

i want to learn the language of the birds.

interpret the songs they sing on tree tops.
speak to them in their native tongues.
their melodies hover between spirit and earth.
i'm convinced of their supernatural nature.
they are of ether.
the physics of their nature moves me.
whistling throats tone words of unspoken movement.
they sound love, triumph, and melancholic memories
the vibration of tiny throats resonates valleys and mountain peaks.
they are without death.

red crow.

today is the one year anniversary from which red crow passed into the spirit realm. bless his soul.
today it is a full moon, the fifth and final super moon of 2008. it is closest to the earth and directly aligned with the sun and earth.
in all other astrological news...
"The Sun and Mars (in Sagittarius), the Moon (in Gemini), Saturn (in Virgo), and Uranus (in Pisces) form a mutable Grand Cross."
today i spent my energy in the studio. it was a fulfilling day.
i'm ready to say goodnight.

dressing room

there are very high beauty standard for women, way more than men. (i'm not complaining, seriously). beauty is something i'm trying to understand... how attractions capture us, how our eyes become fixed magnets on certain beauties. how shapes and faces move us. it's a strange allure. i never really consider my beauty to the outside world... how do others percieve me? is what i see in the mirror what others see, or does my inner self radiate beyond my physical? it's an abstract concept in many ways. well, today i was in a clothing store seeking dressy pants and tops. as i was trying on clothes, i felt horrified at my image. the combination of the florescent lights and the exaggerated image coming through the mirror definately imposed a low self image on me. i felt very alien and unsure of myself. do i really look like this? if i do, does it matter? a lot of self image psychology was running through my head. i felt like i needed to like never eat again. why did i feel like that? well because part of me is psychologically tormented by beauty standards, and even though i don't consume myself in that world, it is so apparant and real that it consumes me. i let it. i wonder if glossy super models look discolored and lame infront of dressing room mirrors. does make them cry?

in the depths of winter.

i saw winterkalte at the das bunker last night. first off, i've been dreaming about seeing any hands groups in general, but winterkalte is a real treat. they're a for real power noise group. they're no fine lines with them, it's pure rhythmic noise, tribal like trance-i-ness, meshed with jabbering synth pulses that invade your soul. here's a good description i found on the net from there cd review: "a tsunami of sound that sucks up the lamentation of the owls, the fading signal of old rusted satellites and the fiery hiss of shortwave interference and throws all three into a high speed blender." <--- that's them in a nut shell. going to the das bunker is always a trip because it really puts into perspective the amount of industrial/goths in this area. i'm always the under dressed one, sitting in the corner observing. mainly because i need my cyber gear, other wise i feel uninspired to dance. it's like wearing plaid pants and a jean jacket to a rave and dancing without glow sticks. anyways, w.a.s.te oped up, they were okay. i wasn't blown away, but i enjoyed their gothy industrial danceable set.
ok; so..., back to winterkalte...a drummer and a synth guy, that's it, yet multi-layered dimensions of rhythmic noise hacking away at my ears. at one point i really thought they were pretend playing and had a cd playing in the background. they played flawlessly, like nothing, but all these sonic textures kept emerging. at one point, my friend turned to me and said, "do you think they're really playing?" as the set when on, i realized that they totally were. the drummer was just awesome, that it looked like he was barely moving the sticks, but he was fluently creating every rhythmic pattern. the synth dude has such a normal next door kinda guy look, that it kept tripping me out every time i'd see him throwing in these drone-y harsh synth pulses. it was wild. my body vibrated with every pulse. i felt re-tuned. i love when music does that. it alters you when your sober, it inspires you, and just opens up a door inside you. i felt so charged by the energy of frequencies. i love loud music. i love power noise. i love combining the two. hand down, one of my favorite shows of all time.

almost, finally...

i'm so glad classes are almost over. i want to be done with finals; i want to relax. i love learning, seriously, but homework and tests kinda stress me out. i also want to enjoy the end of the year without prioritizing homework. my goal list is huge, and i need to start marking off on it. luckily, this is the only month that has no retrograde planets. so i might actually get to somethings...
"A retrograde planet is a sleeping planet, and one that is not emitting its best and brightest light. We depend on the strong, robust energy of each planet to help us navigate our way through life, and when we are without it, we find that things don't fit together quickly and easily. This month is rare in that all planets will be marching to the same quick-paced tune! " (s.miller)

time and such.

time actually moved slow today, even in the studio. how remarkable. that rarely happens. four hours felt like eight. i love when the universe does that. i got to record upright bass on some acoustic tracks, it sounded sooooo nice. i love simple notes resonating in vibrant rooms. the piano on the high register really rings out in that room, creating haunting warm tones. it's unhuman.
as i discovered today, "there is a ballerina song in all of us."
i met someone today who's afraid of paper cuts. isn't that adorable? he said he knows someone who's afraid of table clothes.

years end.

this is a beautiful photo i randomly found on flickr. artist is unknown. used without permission.

the year is coming to an end... an unbelievable journey of growth, learning, connections, understanding, maturity, creativity...the energy of life throbbing at every moment. 2008 was a 1 year, a year of beginnings. it was definitely the beginning of my next phase of development. i'm such a different person now than i was one year ago, let alone five, but for the best always. although everything felt like it was moving really fast, i feel accomplished and fulfilled by all my experiences. i met amazing people, worked on amazing projects, discovered much about myself, what i'm capable of, what i truly love. i'm so grateful for this immense beauty and life lessons that were presented to me. they made me a stronger person. they made me unafraid. they kept me humble. i pray for beauty and awareness to touch all. i look forward to watching the universe do its dance like a rebellious ballerina, graceful and chaotic, toward a new infinite light.

yesterday.

the rain was with us, as we captured melodies like butterflies, from the source of light.

rain.

rain is beautiful, especially at night, how it pours itself so honestly. water.
the exchange of words cannot describe the beauty of life right now, with all it complexities and intricate patterns. om - the sacred silence. if i weren't so tired, maybe i could create analogies and use the right words, but all i can do is relax in knowing that things are happening in really organic ways.
i'm inspired to:
start recording images as photographs.
make a compilation of
go to the mountains.
walk next to the ocean with my bare feet.
write songs about my dreams.
meet the spirits who channel me through the music.

the universe is a lot more involved then we feel comfortable thinking...

i'm nausea, i devoured lunch, though i wasn't extremely ravenous, and bought coffee(dumb). it was one of those well sized sandwiches that is over zealously filled (with grilled firm tofu, avocados, beans, tomatoes, on a rustic roll-yumminess), and the only way to contain it was eat it all at once, plus the flavors were excessively gratifying. i don't regret the deliciousness at all. my body is just soooo sensitive, that even healthy options are overwhelming to my chemistry if they are calorie dense.
i'm in math class, and i really need to start paying attention. i'm starting to loose track of what i'm learning. i like math, because unlike my emotions, it is simple, it has rules, they don't change, and it's a language based on laws; nothing interpretive, just real answers, you're either wrong or right, but there is always a solution. how nice, there are simple things in life <3.

a little dizzy from the motion...

it was cool and breezy today, the man-made chem clouds still loomed, even despite the lack of sunlight, which makes me suspicious as to what they are really doing there. i had to force myself outside, to go to the gym, to feel accomplished. i just needed to sweat and break my lazy habits, so i just ran to nowhere, while watching tourist take photographs in front of lamp posts. it was o.k., i felt my toxicity pour out, the smell burned my brain, i just want to be pure again. i want to sweat every drop of poison out.

delicate flower.

i'm a delicate flower in your hands,
your words are boulders.
wilted snow white,
i bruise black.

crushing soft milk petals,
i wish that strength inside me.

silhouetted against trees,
earth bore you immense.
upon seeds that never grow,
you stand 10 - feet - tall.

shallow and meek
my leaves burn against wind.
retracted moon lit pedals,
dancer of shadows.

awaiting the day,
the soft blossoms will grow.

the way.

"Everyday life distracts us from our larger purpose." -Michael Berg
and to add to that... cute things are distractions for girls...and cute girls are distractions for boys...which in turn leads to this endless cycle of distractions. interesting, life's pleasures are life's distractions. but what would the journey be without the distractions? maybe those are the challenges we need to transcend. so what is my larger purpose for today, how does is connect to the larger purpose of my life? and does it have anything to do with boots?

on another note, i enjoy myself, and two tons of rubble is the greatest thing right now.

six a m

it's six am, cold, the sun peaking, behind me you follow slowly. you are my protector. i wonder how you came to me, how you knew to choose me, of all the places and people you've seen. i somehow became your challenging masterpiece, all broken and displaced, wandering emptiness. how did i come to this desert? and how did you come to be?.. motherless, heroic, the age of aquarian prophet. i wish that i could absorb everything good in you so it can make me strong and unafraid, but somehow i'm completely ok with my fragile self, layered and contradicted.

beautiful melodies...

some days feel like they are going to turn into scattered ashes on city pavement; unrecognized, forgotten, and eventually decomposed. Then there are moments that can turn your whole day around, imprinting the image of an everlasting brilliant star.
today i was sitting in math, feeling mentally fuzzy, listening to a distant voice trying to explain parabolic graphs. it made me think back to high school, 9th grade, (x,y) coordinates, obnoxiously normal teenagers, and the creepy looks my high school math teacher would give me. maybe that's why i felt completely disinterested in class... i thought maybe a nice lunch would make me feel better, but no matter how good of food i get out, it's never as good as how i feed myself. a cold noodle salad with spinach, tofu, basil, peanuts, spices...didn't quite cut the cake. i felt rather cheated of nutrition and wholesome flavors.
but then the most magical thing happened...i met up with a dear friend in the studio, and we created memories so ecstatic they shone like sunshine in my soul.
the sound of the acoustic guitar, the soft ambiance of city traffic resonating in the back ground, the feeling of spirits that always roam those walls. it was every memory i ever had, it was every emotion i've ever felt, it was everything i've always dreamed. isn't it strange how music can do that? it really digs deeply into your center and pulls out the most honest spaces and makes them echo through time.

oh dandelion!

Dandelions are sooo precious. I could fill my entire body with their jagged leaves, until my belly
grows their delicate flowers, and my mouth sprouts their seeds.
I would blow my wishes across universes
with their star seeds,
fill black holes with their pure light,
dream endless love in their green fields.
Oh dandelion! Oh dandelion!
You are an elixir of heaven on my tongue.

aglow.

it turned out to be a beautiful night after the intensity of today. the fires, the emotions, the tensions, the strange happenings, all drifted away. the light made it's way down this dense planet and enlightened myself and all those wonderful beings surrounding me, for even just moments. oh holy light, you're a remarkable art. may i continue to be reminded of your immense power to transform anything into a beloved pure state.

"In the town of broken dreams, the streets are filled with regret. Maybe down in lonesome town, I can learn to forget"

old records, old songs, old microphones, old records just get better with time.

there's nothing stranger to the tongue than a warm apple...

these past two years in los angeles have felt like an extended vacation, an eternal summer...a disneyland of dreams...a film noir of love. when i was 18 i stepped onto california ground for the first time, in this physical form at least, and after a week i was like a baby begging to go home. the second time i stepped onto this soil, i didn't leave, except for travel. everything was(is) magical...the sprawling city dazzled me with it's desert ambiance and hollywood glow. the sun continues to beat hard day in and day out. it's fall, and i'm still sweating from this pulsating heat. i don't think i was really meant for the southern lifestyle. it's too pretty, it's too good, i find it hard to be ambitious when i feel like i'm on a really long vacation. i understand now why starlets, rockstars, pre-madonnas, scriptwriters, etc, need this environment. it keeps you relaxed, glowing, and pampered. unfortunately i've lost all sense of time, seasons never really come in the city, it just a cycle of hot, cooler, rainy, warm, but it's always dry. i actually prefer northern cities, with their moist air, cold rainy days, vibrant spring shine. although, humid summers are the worst. so it's fall and i want to see foliage without having to drive xxxmiles to some outer county. i want to wear a fall coat during the day for like 3 months in a row. i want to feel the holidays coming. i want to hear the wind rattling my ear drums. but i'm at a crossroads, because i never want to leave paradise...

the desert

the sun came and went today. i felt useless. my body just ached and ached. i tried to be productive but my own mental interruptions prevailed. i was having a hard time understanding today, blurriness... i feel like a failed friend, because of my own weaknesses. stranded in the desert, i pictured the scene perfectly in my mind, did i make it happen? the gust of wind that danced the dirt and sand into motion, left you alone. maybe all these signs are more than pictures, maybe they are stories we will tell our children about how we are left alone, in the desert moon light, awaiting a savior, a friend that never comes. i wish that savior into me.

wow...

I found my old blog by accident, how time moves...2 years! Soooo much has happened in between that void, mostly things that are better left in shadows of memory. We become so immersed in technology and the comfort of cybernetic relations, that sometimes it's soothing to be without it. It was nice to re read that time period, definitely gave me a lot of perspective. That was a totally different person, or perhaps I'm the totally different person. In some ways things are the same, no great love to write about, no great adventures to share, only different spaces and faces, and my body and my face have transformed throughout that time. I've learned so many things about myself and more keeps unraveling. Everything is quite regular in life I quess, many layers though. I'm still not sure why I'm writing... Maybe perspective, maybe memory, maybe the feeling of belonging, creating meaningful experiences within technology. ahh...technology...my true fascination and love.