stare

i stare in mirrors, bloodshot eyes, dangerous motions make me sick. weightless i fall into the distant memory of myself. i remember baby hands and soft eyes, lucid dreams of alter egos. when the thoughts come to me, my love becomes fiction. it is teeth with fear, it is legs and lust, it has motion and it screams. jaguars riping into skin, blood lust, prey in the mouths of desire. everything swollen, my lips read sign language, the body is dialog. i sink into yr teeth, riping every layer apart, my hands become the portal to yr love land. worn out, i am drunken butterflies spiraling. this is the story we write on. relativity has theory, complex symbolism in yr dress, cross eyed, sipping tea, watching time prespire, every woman is the moon, heavy, cold, weightless...spinning mindlessly in circles through the ether.

i am.

i am the imagination of myself.

backwards forwards.

a looking glass of mirrors.

i am the self of existence.

estranged by constellations,
in dreams i am.

shattered.

my thoughts brings me to places i'll never really go.
half awake i stare, shattered teeth gripping.

useless all these memories,
with half lives spent wasted,
trying to conjure appetite for some
real existence.

we rode buses and sea creatures
up so far, till galaxies became blurry.

now we speak languages
with tongues so twisted
all meaning becomes lost.

shaped like sunlight
some moments become entangled by truth.

awake in the distant sea
our karmic stories drone the ocean,
loud lullabies
sung only through dreams.

my bloody valentine.

it seems that every where i turned there were people kissing, making out, exposing their love on all fronts.
is it because it's "valentine's day?" or are there just a lot of adorable couples experiencing love and i just happened to notice it today? either way, it was kinda beautiful. usually i barf at that kind of stuff, but it was so authentic. people expressing their affection and all. my love has been distorted and devoid of existential meaning for the most part, so it was nice to see couples that looked right and well adjusted. i enjoy seeing people who totally match on all fronts together. love that's about complementing each other and co-existing. it's really a sacred space. many people live their whole lives and many life times after that searching for divine love. it's a delicate sacredness of bliss.
my love? well, it may seem object based, but really...it's vintage tubes, knobs, and really hi fidelity electronic components, which includes oscillators, frequency dependent gain, and so forth, that's the only kind of affection i find my heart resonating too. oh yeah, and the divine divine universal cosmic code _ _ _ _ _ my heart beats deeply for the eternal.

viva la new york

we drove into the sun rise, the pink glow of the city shone amidst the industrial bridges, everything was perfect.
my love for this place had been renewed. i've visited many cities and drove to some of the most amazing places across the country, yet none could match the magic and ethereal beauty of new york.
sometimes i wonder what kept me away for this long, but in the big scheme of things, it really wasn't a long time. i'm glad i left and came back. my eyes are renewed. i no longer wonder what it would be like to live in an entirely different city. my heart is calm. i know this place.
i'm enjoying the winter. the white snow glistening around me, i'm breathing icicles. it's funny to think that just last week i was living in 80 degree weather, soaking in the sun.
some memories from the road:
- getting blinded by some ufo light.
- seeing nuclear power plants
- walking a fairy desert trail and taking in the energy of the land.
- the amazing arizona landscape that almost made me hallucinate.
- visiting the recording school.
- feeling like i was in a steven speilberg film, like 5 times.
- getting locked into a 7-11 by some psycho guy.
- sleeping in -6 degree weather.
- the ark in st. louis, missouri.
- getting pulled over by cops like 3 times, twice in two consecutive states, and once while i was really stoned.
- seeing a military plane that looked like a gigantic bullet in the sky, and hearing the aftermath of the sound barrier.
- getting extremely lost in oklahama and being really pissed about not being able to find a post office.
- having a gps system glitch out everytime i wanted to go somewhere.

so i'm still a little worn out from traveling. i haven't quite fully recovered from the trip.

leaving.

it's been a few days since i've had time to reflect. i almost forgot about this place, and my thoughts have been floating.
it's strange how when you leave a place you really start to see thing, like who yr friends are, and people who actually care for you, and those that respect you and those that could care less. we build all these illusions with each other, pretending with happiness, but it's really just mediocrity. i'm pretty apathetic about the whole thing, considerably. i'm not really sure there is a perfect place to be, just where we need to be and where we are at the moment.
i chopped all my hair off and dyed it copper red. i wanted to look like a james bond spy, but i don't think i'm skinny enough for that. all attention is drawn to the features of my face. i feel exposed and rather unashamed of who i am.
i know this journey is gonna forever change my path. another fork in the road. i'm ready for the ice and the end of hibernation. i'm ready to drive into sunsets and leave the remaining parts of myself with the desert, where the power of the sun lives. i will always be here. my memory is attached on some spirit realm to this epic landscape. in my dreams i will die here.

desire.

sometimes his image pops into my mind. he is everything i lust and everything i don't want. plutos bastard son sent from some divine code. somehow i know he has the ability to save me, because of his touch and the way i feel when i'm near him. i have that same ability to save him, if he let me, but i know there are too many blurry mirrors in our way. when i remember him, my memory spans back to the beginning of my existence and the first feeling of love. it's the wrong kind of love but sometimes i think that love has more desire and more obstructions, it has illusions and attachments. it is desire. it is hungry and it lures me. i want it to eat me up.

mother goddess.

like old friends we continued the universal conversation. cosmic translations represented the truth of consciousness. where we were and where we are and how the story became. the mother goddess has been re-connecting us. she has been doing it all along. time just passes slow in this plane, and things feel like they took a really long time to manifest. all alone, she has given us this connection. we are her children, her students, her seeds she has sown into this earth. our plants and flowers blossom the universal truth of all beings.
i felt my energy very sensitive. sometimes almost uncomfortable with it's transparency. a lot of light. a lot of memory. the story of the universe is deep.

objects in time.

it's funny how we find ourselves with objects, many little objects that collect in our life. when you want to put your stuff in boxes you realize how you have these random tiny things like post-its, pens, tape, charms, sea shells, whatever else. they're these things that decorate your needs, and make you realize how living simply isn't a common thing. so i'm sorting through all this stuff, i feel like i barely have many things, yet all these things add up and create more space. it's such a wierd phenomenon.
it hasn't phased me yet that my life is about to drastically change.
my heads been filled with astrological concepts of myself, karmic conversations, and melting self illusions. i believe this journey is taking me to myself. all the way to the beginning of time.

mermaid day.

lovely day by the ocean.
brilliant sun light.
warm air, cool water,
fresh oxygen, beauty all around.






today i said goodbye to lovely strangers.
it was nice to recharge by the water,
its energy is divine and gigantic.

sunny days

these last couple of days have been ultra perfect southern california weather. the weather is at such a comfortable temperature that you can't help but feel content. after work i stopped by the fruit stand and bought a bag of two fruits that aren't in season, mangoes and pineapples, covered with chili and lemon. i was standing on larchmont awaiting my fruit, watching this man at work, the sun radiating so much light, a perfect back drop against the palm trees, and i thought to myself, "in all it's made up reality, this is a paradise in so many ways." i remembered the feeling of just moving to l.a and walking in perfect temperature days, absorbing in the tropical desert vibe, and feeling like i just arrived on a movie set. i thought i'd never leave. why would you want to leave this man made heaven? that feeling still lingers inside me.

love(part 2): wild little jungle.

we sat in the sun surrounded by an untamed jungle garden. the conversation was really a gift. i never felt an answer could be drawn to the complications of love. could raw love really be simplified? i read him poetry because on some basic level our stories were intertwined. his past was my un-imagined future, which i slowly dissolved to eradicate that kind of mental addiction to romanticism. i watched his walls, how his windows had curtains that could be drawn, how his studio had little windows that could be opened and the view led to a spiraling green jungle. he said his un-kept garden needed attention, but i saw it needed none, just to grow wildly, like his love never grew. i've had many conversations with older men who have learned many things through out their lives, yet we seem to be able to connect our conversations timelessly. i'll never forget the words one man told me once while we were having lunch months ago. about his wife: he said, "she's a really great, smart, wonderful woman, but never really what i wanted "physically." that hurt me, even though it was completely unrelated to me. i thought "wow, i never want to feel like that." today in our conversation we talk about that, the physical. how when you add sex into the equation, but not just sex, but the layers that are really the magnetic field around it, this whole story become like a wild little jungle of it's own. physical love, that kind of lure is demeaning.
i don't really know why we began talking in the first place. he just approached me, like an angel, completely trusting me to listen to his story. somehow, there were all these syncronisities that tied in, the jungian psychology surrounding the jungian student, the music of the late 60's and 70's, the un-ruly art that explored color like how my un-ruly mind explores layers, and the story after story that just melted into all my stories, but somehow had different boundaries. there was all this psychology wrapped around abstract art, bulging out, waiting to become. the words loomed through the paintings, i like undefined outlines, raw, with vibrant color. the sun was really bright. it was a beautiful california sunny day. i don't really know how to describe this kind of interaction, but it made me feel on a really deep level, some sort of continuity with leaving and becoming and discovering and dreaming. all i could think about was anias nin on paper back juxtaposed against a cinder block wall that hung a birth control chart of diaphrams. i think the rest of the story somehow takes place in new york...
it's hard to think that i could have left much sooner, but i was chasing after love, and it led me to all these beautiful places i would have never gone, had that feeling never initially been there.

ring of hearts.

i had a love ring. it was given to me so that i would draw more love into my life. the right kind of love. i wore it everyday. it helped me a lot. the more i wore it, the more i felt comfortable being with myself. i was less interested in being with someone. i learned that the love i was after was like an addiction. an addiction to the wrong things, things that don't really make you happy, but you are somehow undeniably drawn to them. last weak the ring committed a sort of suicide. it released itself from me, and jumped down the bathroom sink. it wanted to leave me. i was cured. it represented the love that was not right for me. the love that i was so eager to devour, but i knew would intoxicate me to my death. i felt released on a number of levels. this time, my love rejected what i've been longing to release from. the chain bound by endless desire.
i mean, the thought of company seems nice, but it's a lonely world out there.

la dream.

i had a dream that new york was in la. it was a grey day, cold, depressing. the mountains were foggy but behind them were the downtown la buildings, all 10 of them of whatever. so they represented ny(i think). i rode the subway to this little village and as i was walking around i felt the desolate vast mirage. it was headed for destruction and i was leaving it all behind. the wind was telling me that i was making the right decision.

2009

if 2008 was the year of endings, conclusions, "wrapping things up," 2009 is the year of starting fresh. it seem like for the past 2 years, projects took long to develop, to complete themselves, there was a lot of stalling even though things were moving at a fast rate. i feel like i accomplished 2008, i finished with a record under my belt. "the" record that i've always been producing in my heart since i first fell in love with my 4 track cassette recorder. now that the dream has a space, something new will become. i'm not going to force anything into being, because that's impossible. i'm not going to put false notions on the future. i'm open to it. it was kind of a foreign feeling ending 2008 in LA, because 2009 will be NY. so long farewell is my resolution. i'm lifting the veil, the mirage is in LA.
As I stood on Melrose observing what LA is really about and taking in the feeling of "Hollywood," I saw the desert sprawled out...dreams diluted. I thought to myself..."Is there really an 'industry' here?" Sometime I feel that it's all pretend. Like there's just everyone hanging on this thin string, and once you pull it, it will all fall apart. I'm not being cynical or negative, I really feel the magic here. It's a jewel of a city, and my experiences have been life altering. There's just this juxtaposition of fantasy and realism. Sometimes it's hard to tell the difference.
The New Years Party was nice, I was mainly a wallflower but in company with a dear friend.
The vintage scene, old hank william songs, the crisp winter air, stories after stories, intoxication, the feeling of the "wild west," everything was quite golden in all it's simple mannerisms.
I decided love is not for me, here. It's somewhere else, unthought, spontaneous, and dreaming.
Relationships seemed so cliche, or was it the party? or aren't they really too much at times?
As I observed casual party conversation, I noticed that profound-ness is not admired or adorned in this century. People find comfort, they like the mundane, routine socializing, simple mind sets. the ambiguity is lost in meaning. definitions are so defining. Nobody cares about enlightenment in the same way Buddah or Jesus or Sarasvati did, poison is soothing and inviting. Things are plain. There are no rituals at parties, it's quite disheartening. Just small talk, maybe a few honest connections. Life in the 21st century...cellphones are my cigarette.

women

WOMEN on crenshaw was a noise show at a house(called WOMEN). It was really rad. Noise shows tend to be unpredictable, and usually I'll like a few performers, but there are always a few that don't pull me in that way. I actually enjoyed ever single artist that played that night. It was a truly spontaneous sound scape experience, well composed, and channeled. The vibe was nice. My favorite was Lithium Dream...very dream enhancing textures...I'm into mimimal synth layers. Moment trigger was tighter and more punk than ever. They a lot of powerful rhythmic nuances happening. I don't remember all the performers monickers...but they definately all rocked.

love.

there's this man that comes into the coffee shop. he talks about abstract art on thin paper, and falling in love with someone you'll never be with. at first, that idea was foreign and isolating, love without your love? i ran into him again today, somehow that same thought seemed honest and forgiving. i love all the imperfect relationships my mind has with beautiful strangers. his words sounded from a higher source. he said, "never settle for less than your equal. there is someone that is equal to you." my heart has an unsettling romantic dialog with long lost loves from other cosmic parallel lives. does equality find love rancid and drink every passionate drop of juice till the end? or does love become perfection? i'm not really sure how to answer that. i'm not even sure i know what i mean.
i feel rather empty and disillusioned. i'm floating on this merry go round. the music is a dream.

x-mas.

it was damp this morning. i spent this morning trying to figure out facebook. what a strange place. it makes me realize how abstract social relationships are becoming. my roomie friend and i decided to spend our day at the ocean, so we drove to san pedro, my favorite place. san pedro is so humble and magical. when i am walking on the rocks i feel like i'm on another planet. they look so unformed and exotic, like i landed on venus or something, where everything is pure and the life form is just water, sea creatures, and rocks. i love how rocks become soft around the edges from the constant collision with other rocks, that is the nature of the ocean. it's so daring and edgy. i feel so alive when i'm by the water. i feel like a city mermaid who's visiting home. a comforting place that makes my heart warm. the sea is alive. the sea creatures are breathing deeply. the little pools of water that form between edges of rocks, look like fairy ponds. the moss is vital and forming on rocks. the ocean is undisturbed by industrial architecture. it is a untamed and free. my genetic memories enlighten by the ocean. time is uncompressed and life is moving. my dreams are as big as the sea.

cold air.

it's so cold, i can't feel my bones. maybe it's that all my clothes are made of thin material. i keep getting the same sickness. i think it's because of the cold at night. i've been dreaming icicles. maybe it's my weak immune system. i want to feel my throat again.
i've been having illusions again. illusions that i went to this imaginary place so i could be surprised with love. a love that will never exist because it's for the better. sometimes i hate that things are for the better and you can't have them. even though there is a higher purpose, i so want to "have" those things. sometimes.

winter solstice.

winter: in the depths of winter we go within. the darkness is an inner meditation, the concept: who are we? like the cold dark corners the earth rotates into, we rotate within ourselves. what needs to be examined closer; what needs more light? the darkness is apart of the healing we do within ourselves. the cycle is organic.
last night, we were 15. the words "we are the ones" echoed faintly in my head. what does that mean? but a gentle voice of a man led us into the darkness. it was quiet, i was in joy. the picture of a familiar face on the wall made me giggle in my soul. his peace and presence reminded me that things will always be the way they were meant, even if it takes hundreds or thousands of years, they will be. maybe that's why his calm smile the picture capture made me feel at ease.
now i have a white feather i nurture. it is my child. i give it love and light so it can grow, and one day be free.
winter is a beautiful concept.