Vestal Virgin.

my Virgin lover
you are warm,
pale ivory,
soaked in Vestal blood.

Veiled by the moon,
Vulcan's innocent dreams,
a haunted vessel in disguise.

golden hair wrapped in thorns,
sewn orchard white.

harps and birds hum a soft melody
in the garden
where sea creatures grow.

Higher , higher
the Vestal Virgins become,
one,
divinity unspoken of.

Brothels now stand
where once upon a time
was innocent and pure.

The eyes of the beseeched
roam into distant heavenly clouds,
awaiting for a flower to blossom,
the dust of the kingdoms moon.

through the mirrors
tall cities dissapear

ectasy or earth?

i hope when the lights die out
our bodies are still rotating,
on access
with the deadly earth.

the world may purify itself,
and fires
will burn through this air.

we may choke on ourselves,
ghostly limbs hungry for what's not there.

when yr eyes move
to the secret corners,
ships will wreck.
every mermaid
will dream you up.

venus will move still,
slowly displaced,
our sacred centers
may disappear.

when i awake;
this fantasy revealed,
will i remember ?
the images of
strings moving
molecules,
and someone pounding
a chest into my heart.

When we :

When we lay,

the ceiling begins to falter,

stars appear

like branches ,

growing beneath the ocean.

I could laugh forever

in a warm embrace.

Adjacently placed,

your hands cover my eyes.

The light bulb is dimming.

I'm miles away,

but somehow

your voice brings me back.

Where I dissipate
into a cloud,
the entire atmosphere
shakes,
and we are unconsciously awake.

Lotus.

The Indian Goddess brushed her hands against my skin.

She was orange glowing silks, 

Wrapped with lotus flowers,

Her mantra is beauty.

Om.

goddess light.

The goddess enters my body,

she is white luminous lights flowing 

encapsulated in our sacred dance.

When she is inside me,

I glow atop rooftops

spawning all through time.

She enters when there is innocence

which lurks for divinity.

She is in search of her vestals,

the pure virgin lovers.

I let her enter 

because she keeps men

spellbound by her love.

When she leaves

I can feel my body shift

into a post mortal presence.

We are here,

sacredly locked by story.

and hands, 

they drive down my spine.

pale softly parted lips,

my ego is dissolved.

pink breasts react femininely

against this raging heart.

neptune: i live and dream.

"and i realized that any game i do comes out of my own ego. my job was just to work on myself and if anything happens, it happens." ___ram dass

a melancholic day.  no center.  the mantra repeats redundantly in my head.  i have no meaning.  i just wait for the "sound" to somehow make that transformation inside me.  i am the vehicle waiting to hear the calling.  i wonder why so often i live between confusion and state.  sometimes i live in dream and sometimes i live awake.  

bodies:

because i've only know disillusion and distance, every emotion i've had tied to the heart center has been feeble.  i've only know brutality of desire, never known it's sublime mother.  my lust has fangs and it's been artificial, a honey luster fatalistic candy.  i've written of love with allusion to hate.  my hate is powerful, it is desire.  i would look into the eyes of those i want to consume, only to find them weak-morbid-brothels.  they were sin unfit for any divine intention, just pure mental masturbation.  but every virgin lover meets her serendipitous sacred other.   every woman will find her pleasure center, and it will be holy.   love has answers.  unlike lust, she is delicate, beautiful, and carries the life force.  lust is the bastard sister of love, the betrayed slut. she has eyes that burn with rage.  she is passion that eats you up.   desire and passion have transformative figures,  they are ever evolving truth seekers.  their cold minds can turn soft and fair, unveiled in moments of time.  love that is pure intention seeks no other way.  it is the ultimate unification.  the self is selfless; it is immersed in the pure thought of divine unity.  

i was once a little girl, gazing curiously at an expansive sky.  my heart was pure and warm.  i feel that child in me, alive again.  she is gentle, observant, and has a mindful of stars.  as i stare intimately at the fixtures in this room, i see our bodies engaged in the thought of massive transformation.  i believe in nothing and all, at once, there is living dreams in what we feel.  i am an emotion body floating effortlessly in this dream.  you are standing, a sacred vestal, my love remembers you.  you were the gentle, beautiful, goddess that was dreaming this moment.  you made me alive again.

eternal:

my love is eternal

it is the last dying ember on this planet,

it is ecstatic exaltation.

my love moves outward,

there are no limits

it goes out and out and out,

into infinity.

my love is ever expanding,

a helium balloon lost in space,

traveling into the myriad of eternity.

hit by sunlight

the most intimate moments happen beneath sunlight,

under exposed and over stimulated,

i awake radiant.

as motion spins silently,

your innocence is glowing

in my hands.

soft angles mirror dark corners,

harsh truths always seem more beautiful

without moving backgrounds.

in the stillness of object,

my mind sputters to the idea of 

bodies floating.

our emotions engage 

the deepest part

of the center.

snowed in.

everything was gentle today. i awoke to white. soft flakes silence the city. the universe teaching us patience. everything in slow motion. the fire burned all day...the smoke must have burned through my lungs. i didn't mind, wood fire and natures oxidation inside. the piano was visited with a song. all day we layed around, a perfect excuse to do nothing. somehow technology still keeps busy, in spite of natures dialog. the blue jays are on snow covered tree tops, they don't get cold. maybe the seeds they eat make them warm. i cut my moms hair, she looks young again. i realized how much patience distance requires. i am happy to have been home bound today. it was a nice comfort, warm house, fine food, being in the company of yr genetic others. i feel calm inside. the snow energy inspired me; to be soft, quiet, effortless. this is a practice in meditation. i must be still now.

rooftop view.

I see time spanned across landscape. We were here before. Our bodies float. If I never live another day, I would have died content knowing, I've seen beauty in all it's inconsistent angles. She is the goddess that is ugly. She can transform at any moment.

the theory of nothing.

every moment is apocalyptic.
at the edge of destruction,
all chaos will vanish.

tiny

we are tiny people on constellations that drift.

in dreams, our nature obscures

stare

i stare in mirrors, bloodshot eyes, dangerous motions make me sick. weightless i fall into the distant memory of myself. i remember baby hands and soft eyes, lucid dreams of alter egos. when the thoughts come to me, my love becomes fiction. it is teeth with fear, it is legs and lust, it has motion and it screams. jaguars riping into skin, blood lust, prey in the mouths of desire. everything swollen, my lips read sign language, the body is dialog. i sink into yr teeth, riping every layer apart, my hands become the portal to yr love land. worn out, i am drunken butterflies spiraling. this is the story we write on. relativity has theory, complex symbolism in yr dress, cross eyed, sipping tea, watching time prespire, every woman is the moon, heavy, cold, weightless...spinning mindlessly in circles through the ether.

i am.

i am the imagination of myself.

backwards forwards.

a looking glass of mirrors.

i am the self of existence.

estranged by constellations,
in dreams i am.

shattered.

my thoughts brings me to places i'll never really go.
half awake i stare, shattered teeth gripping.

useless all these memories,
with half lives spent wasted,
trying to conjure appetite for some
real existence.

we rode buses and sea creatures
up so far, till galaxies became blurry.

now we speak languages
with tongues so twisted
all meaning becomes lost.

shaped like sunlight
some moments become entangled by truth.

awake in the distant sea
our karmic stories drone the ocean,
loud lullabies
sung only through dreams.

my bloody valentine.

it seems that every where i turned there were people kissing, making out, exposing their love on all fronts.
is it because it's "valentine's day?" or are there just a lot of adorable couples experiencing love and i just happened to notice it today? either way, it was kinda beautiful. usually i barf at that kind of stuff, but it was so authentic. people expressing their affection and all. my love has been distorted and devoid of existential meaning for the most part, so it was nice to see couples that looked right and well adjusted. i enjoy seeing people who totally match on all fronts together. love that's about complementing each other and co-existing. it's really a sacred space. many people live their whole lives and many life times after that searching for divine love. it's a delicate sacredness of bliss.
my love? well, it may seem object based, but really...it's vintage tubes, knobs, and really hi fidelity electronic components, which includes oscillators, frequency dependent gain, and so forth, that's the only kind of affection i find my heart resonating too. oh yeah, and the divine divine universal cosmic code _ _ _ _ _ my heart beats deeply for the eternal.

viva la new york

we drove into the sun rise, the pink glow of the city shone amidst the industrial bridges, everything was perfect.
my love for this place had been renewed. i've visited many cities and drove to some of the most amazing places across the country, yet none could match the magic and ethereal beauty of new york.
sometimes i wonder what kept me away for this long, but in the big scheme of things, it really wasn't a long time. i'm glad i left and came back. my eyes are renewed. i no longer wonder what it would be like to live in an entirely different city. my heart is calm. i know this place.
i'm enjoying the winter. the white snow glistening around me, i'm breathing icicles. it's funny to think that just last week i was living in 80 degree weather, soaking in the sun.
some memories from the road:
- getting blinded by some ufo light.
- seeing nuclear power plants
- walking a fairy desert trail and taking in the energy of the land.
- the amazing arizona landscape that almost made me hallucinate.
- visiting the recording school.
- feeling like i was in a steven speilberg film, like 5 times.
- getting locked into a 7-11 by some psycho guy.
- sleeping in -6 degree weather.
- the ark in st. louis, missouri.
- getting pulled over by cops like 3 times, twice in two consecutive states, and once while i was really stoned.
- seeing a military plane that looked like a gigantic bullet in the sky, and hearing the aftermath of the sound barrier.
- getting extremely lost in oklahama and being really pissed about not being able to find a post office.
- having a gps system glitch out everytime i wanted to go somewhere.

so i'm still a little worn out from traveling. i haven't quite fully recovered from the trip.

leaving.

it's been a few days since i've had time to reflect. i almost forgot about this place, and my thoughts have been floating.
it's strange how when you leave a place you really start to see thing, like who yr friends are, and people who actually care for you, and those that respect you and those that could care less. we build all these illusions with each other, pretending with happiness, but it's really just mediocrity. i'm pretty apathetic about the whole thing, considerably. i'm not really sure there is a perfect place to be, just where we need to be and where we are at the moment.
i chopped all my hair off and dyed it copper red. i wanted to look like a james bond spy, but i don't think i'm skinny enough for that. all attention is drawn to the features of my face. i feel exposed and rather unashamed of who i am.
i know this journey is gonna forever change my path. another fork in the road. i'm ready for the ice and the end of hibernation. i'm ready to drive into sunsets and leave the remaining parts of myself with the desert, where the power of the sun lives. i will always be here. my memory is attached on some spirit realm to this epic landscape. in my dreams i will die here.