love(part 2): wild little jungle.

we sat in the sun surrounded by an untamed jungle garden. the conversation was really a gift. i never felt an answer could be drawn to the complications of love. could raw love really be simplified? i read him poetry because on some basic level our stories were intertwined. his past was my un-imagined future, which i slowly dissolved to eradicate that kind of mental addiction to romanticism. i watched his walls, how his windows had curtains that could be drawn, how his studio had little windows that could be opened and the view led to a spiraling green jungle. he said his un-kept garden needed attention, but i saw it needed none, just to grow wildly, like his love never grew. i've had many conversations with older men who have learned many things through out their lives, yet we seem to be able to connect our conversations timelessly. i'll never forget the words one man told me once while we were having lunch months ago. about his wife: he said, "she's a really great, smart, wonderful woman, but never really what i wanted "physically." that hurt me, even though it was completely unrelated to me. i thought "wow, i never want to feel like that." today in our conversation we talk about that, the physical. how when you add sex into the equation, but not just sex, but the layers that are really the magnetic field around it, this whole story become like a wild little jungle of it's own. physical love, that kind of lure is demeaning.
i don't really know why we began talking in the first place. he just approached me, like an angel, completely trusting me to listen to his story. somehow, there were all these syncronisities that tied in, the jungian psychology surrounding the jungian student, the music of the late 60's and 70's, the un-ruly art that explored color like how my un-ruly mind explores layers, and the story after story that just melted into all my stories, but somehow had different boundaries. there was all this psychology wrapped around abstract art, bulging out, waiting to become. the words loomed through the paintings, i like undefined outlines, raw, with vibrant color. the sun was really bright. it was a beautiful california sunny day. i don't really know how to describe this kind of interaction, but it made me feel on a really deep level, some sort of continuity with leaving and becoming and discovering and dreaming. all i could think about was anias nin on paper back juxtaposed against a cinder block wall that hung a birth control chart of diaphrams. i think the rest of the story somehow takes place in new york...
it's hard to think that i could have left much sooner, but i was chasing after love, and it led me to all these beautiful places i would have never gone, had that feeling never initially been there.

ring of hearts.

i had a love ring. it was given to me so that i would draw more love into my life. the right kind of love. i wore it everyday. it helped me a lot. the more i wore it, the more i felt comfortable being with myself. i was less interested in being with someone. i learned that the love i was after was like an addiction. an addiction to the wrong things, things that don't really make you happy, but you are somehow undeniably drawn to them. last weak the ring committed a sort of suicide. it released itself from me, and jumped down the bathroom sink. it wanted to leave me. i was cured. it represented the love that was not right for me. the love that i was so eager to devour, but i knew would intoxicate me to my death. i felt released on a number of levels. this time, my love rejected what i've been longing to release from. the chain bound by endless desire.
i mean, the thought of company seems nice, but it's a lonely world out there.

la dream.

i had a dream that new york was in la. it was a grey day, cold, depressing. the mountains were foggy but behind them were the downtown la buildings, all 10 of them of whatever. so they represented ny(i think). i rode the subway to this little village and as i was walking around i felt the desolate vast mirage. it was headed for destruction and i was leaving it all behind. the wind was telling me that i was making the right decision.

2009

if 2008 was the year of endings, conclusions, "wrapping things up," 2009 is the year of starting fresh. it seem like for the past 2 years, projects took long to develop, to complete themselves, there was a lot of stalling even though things were moving at a fast rate. i feel like i accomplished 2008, i finished with a record under my belt. "the" record that i've always been producing in my heart since i first fell in love with my 4 track cassette recorder. now that the dream has a space, something new will become. i'm not going to force anything into being, because that's impossible. i'm not going to put false notions on the future. i'm open to it. it was kind of a foreign feeling ending 2008 in LA, because 2009 will be NY. so long farewell is my resolution. i'm lifting the veil, the mirage is in LA.
As I stood on Melrose observing what LA is really about and taking in the feeling of "Hollywood," I saw the desert sprawled out...dreams diluted. I thought to myself..."Is there really an 'industry' here?" Sometime I feel that it's all pretend. Like there's just everyone hanging on this thin string, and once you pull it, it will all fall apart. I'm not being cynical or negative, I really feel the magic here. It's a jewel of a city, and my experiences have been life altering. There's just this juxtaposition of fantasy and realism. Sometimes it's hard to tell the difference.
The New Years Party was nice, I was mainly a wallflower but in company with a dear friend.
The vintage scene, old hank william songs, the crisp winter air, stories after stories, intoxication, the feeling of the "wild west," everything was quite golden in all it's simple mannerisms.
I decided love is not for me, here. It's somewhere else, unthought, spontaneous, and dreaming.
Relationships seemed so cliche, or was it the party? or aren't they really too much at times?
As I observed casual party conversation, I noticed that profound-ness is not admired or adorned in this century. People find comfort, they like the mundane, routine socializing, simple mind sets. the ambiguity is lost in meaning. definitions are so defining. Nobody cares about enlightenment in the same way Buddah or Jesus or Sarasvati did, poison is soothing and inviting. Things are plain. There are no rituals at parties, it's quite disheartening. Just small talk, maybe a few honest connections. Life in the 21st century...cellphones are my cigarette.

women

WOMEN on crenshaw was a noise show at a house(called WOMEN). It was really rad. Noise shows tend to be unpredictable, and usually I'll like a few performers, but there are always a few that don't pull me in that way. I actually enjoyed ever single artist that played that night. It was a truly spontaneous sound scape experience, well composed, and channeled. The vibe was nice. My favorite was Lithium Dream...very dream enhancing textures...I'm into mimimal synth layers. Moment trigger was tighter and more punk than ever. They a lot of powerful rhythmic nuances happening. I don't remember all the performers monickers...but they definately all rocked.

love.

there's this man that comes into the coffee shop. he talks about abstract art on thin paper, and falling in love with someone you'll never be with. at first, that idea was foreign and isolating, love without your love? i ran into him again today, somehow that same thought seemed honest and forgiving. i love all the imperfect relationships my mind has with beautiful strangers. his words sounded from a higher source. he said, "never settle for less than your equal. there is someone that is equal to you." my heart has an unsettling romantic dialog with long lost loves from other cosmic parallel lives. does equality find love rancid and drink every passionate drop of juice till the end? or does love become perfection? i'm not really sure how to answer that. i'm not even sure i know what i mean.
i feel rather empty and disillusioned. i'm floating on this merry go round. the music is a dream.

x-mas.

it was damp this morning. i spent this morning trying to figure out facebook. what a strange place. it makes me realize how abstract social relationships are becoming. my roomie friend and i decided to spend our day at the ocean, so we drove to san pedro, my favorite place. san pedro is so humble and magical. when i am walking on the rocks i feel like i'm on another planet. they look so unformed and exotic, like i landed on venus or something, where everything is pure and the life form is just water, sea creatures, and rocks. i love how rocks become soft around the edges from the constant collision with other rocks, that is the nature of the ocean. it's so daring and edgy. i feel so alive when i'm by the water. i feel like a city mermaid who's visiting home. a comforting place that makes my heart warm. the sea is alive. the sea creatures are breathing deeply. the little pools of water that form between edges of rocks, look like fairy ponds. the moss is vital and forming on rocks. the ocean is undisturbed by industrial architecture. it is a untamed and free. my genetic memories enlighten by the ocean. time is uncompressed and life is moving. my dreams are as big as the sea.

cold air.

it's so cold, i can't feel my bones. maybe it's that all my clothes are made of thin material. i keep getting the same sickness. i think it's because of the cold at night. i've been dreaming icicles. maybe it's my weak immune system. i want to feel my throat again.
i've been having illusions again. illusions that i went to this imaginary place so i could be surprised with love. a love that will never exist because it's for the better. sometimes i hate that things are for the better and you can't have them. even though there is a higher purpose, i so want to "have" those things. sometimes.

winter solstice.

winter: in the depths of winter we go within. the darkness is an inner meditation, the concept: who are we? like the cold dark corners the earth rotates into, we rotate within ourselves. what needs to be examined closer; what needs more light? the darkness is apart of the healing we do within ourselves. the cycle is organic.
last night, we were 15. the words "we are the ones" echoed faintly in my head. what does that mean? but a gentle voice of a man led us into the darkness. it was quiet, i was in joy. the picture of a familiar face on the wall made me giggle in my soul. his peace and presence reminded me that things will always be the way they were meant, even if it takes hundreds or thousands of years, they will be. maybe that's why his calm smile the picture capture made me feel at ease.
now i have a white feather i nurture. it is my child. i give it love and light so it can grow, and one day be free.
winter is a beautiful concept.

saying...

"There is an ancient Indian saying that something lives only as long as the last person who remembers it. My people have come to trust memory over history. Memory, like fire, is radiant and immutable while history serves only those who seek to control it, those who douse the flame of memory in order to put out the dangerous fire of truth. Beware these men for they are dangerous themselves and unwise. Their false history is written in the blood of those who might remember and of those who seek the truth." -spoken by Floyd Westerman as "Albert Hosteen" in The X-Files episode "The Blessing Way", written by Chris Carter

ghosts and cyborgs.

i had a dream that my brothers god parents died. when they died i saw the energies. i was able to talk to them and physically see them. they told me how they enjoyed being able to travel anywhere and come back fast, because in the energy side you're not bound by the limitations a physical body has, so you can travel at light speed. so they would keep coming back and communicating with me, it was quite fun. i baked them a cake, even though they couldn't eat it, but i knew the smells would feed them. so i kept making things for them that would feed their energy. it was a fun gift to have, i wasn't frightened at all by this ability.
i'm officially done with classes and I feel very achieved by the results.
i got into a "discussion" today about health, values, cybernetics, etc. i'm not one of those people that likes to convert people and try to make them believe me, but when people come out with stupid(not thought out) sayings, i will defend my opinions. however, i don't enjoy arguments or discussions like that. if your one of those people that thinks your always right and wants to tell people how you think they should be because you know what's best for them, seriously re-think your statements. i do have strong opinions and i always stick to what i know, but i don't go around telling people what they should do, unless the ask me for my opinion. i don't care if people eat meat or not, or if they believe the next president is g-d, or if they think society will function better as cyborgs, but when people tell me that i shouldn't do this or that, and they haven't even questioned their own way of life, i start questioning...is there any hope for the human race? yes there are facts, and they are man made by our own scientific and mathematical formulations. we are limited by our own definitions. what this society could use is not more morons who think they know, but people who are still questioning, searching for the answers. if we had all the answers, we wouldn't be in such a globally disoriented mess.

retrograde?

okay so no planets are retrograde this month, but if any day felt like mercury retrograde it was today. with the plumbers in my apartment working on the piping in the bathroom, i was left with 2 unnecessary gigantic holes in the wall. then the tentants that live above me decided to poor large amounts of water on the walls so that it would leak down to my kitchen, just cause they like to cause havoc. to top it all off my internet wasn't working for a better half of the day. strange petunias! on a brighter note, i think i did wonderfully on my math test. how did i prepare? i watched stand and deliver the night before my final.

bolt.

i just got back from the movies. i went to see bolt at el capitan. always a fun time. it's so dramatic and hollywood fantastical, i just love it. the organist. the pre-movie theatrics-this time of year it's all chrismas themed song and dance. today was a bonus though, because the movie was showing in 3-d, so we got 3-d glasses, which is always awesome. i enjoyed the special effects more than anything. a cute film though. defintaley summed up my feeling towards l.a. a big fanastical movie, where a lot of people get lost thinking it's all real.
it was nice to be on hollywood boulevard on a cold rainy day. there was a nice humble feeling about it, until of course i saw spider man posing on a fire hydrant for some tourist pictures. hollywood never fails to be what it was all glammed out to be.

bird.

i want to learn the language of the birds.

interpret the songs they sing on tree tops.
speak to them in their native tongues.
their melodies hover between spirit and earth.
i'm convinced of their supernatural nature.
they are of ether.
the physics of their nature moves me.
whistling throats tone words of unspoken movement.
they sound love, triumph, and melancholic memories
the vibration of tiny throats resonates valleys and mountain peaks.
they are without death.

red crow.

today is the one year anniversary from which red crow passed into the spirit realm. bless his soul.
today it is a full moon, the fifth and final super moon of 2008. it is closest to the earth and directly aligned with the sun and earth.
in all other astrological news...
"The Sun and Mars (in Sagittarius), the Moon (in Gemini), Saturn (in Virgo), and Uranus (in Pisces) form a mutable Grand Cross."
today i spent my energy in the studio. it was a fulfilling day.
i'm ready to say goodnight.

dressing room

there are very high beauty standard for women, way more than men. (i'm not complaining, seriously). beauty is something i'm trying to understand... how attractions capture us, how our eyes become fixed magnets on certain beauties. how shapes and faces move us. it's a strange allure. i never really consider my beauty to the outside world... how do others percieve me? is what i see in the mirror what others see, or does my inner self radiate beyond my physical? it's an abstract concept in many ways. well, today i was in a clothing store seeking dressy pants and tops. as i was trying on clothes, i felt horrified at my image. the combination of the florescent lights and the exaggerated image coming through the mirror definately imposed a low self image on me. i felt very alien and unsure of myself. do i really look like this? if i do, does it matter? a lot of self image psychology was running through my head. i felt like i needed to like never eat again. why did i feel like that? well because part of me is psychologically tormented by beauty standards, and even though i don't consume myself in that world, it is so apparant and real that it consumes me. i let it. i wonder if glossy super models look discolored and lame infront of dressing room mirrors. does make them cry?

in the depths of winter.

i saw winterkalte at the das bunker last night. first off, i've been dreaming about seeing any hands groups in general, but winterkalte is a real treat. they're a for real power noise group. they're no fine lines with them, it's pure rhythmic noise, tribal like trance-i-ness, meshed with jabbering synth pulses that invade your soul. here's a good description i found on the net from there cd review: "a tsunami of sound that sucks up the lamentation of the owls, the fading signal of old rusted satellites and the fiery hiss of shortwave interference and throws all three into a high speed blender." <--- that's them in a nut shell. going to the das bunker is always a trip because it really puts into perspective the amount of industrial/goths in this area. i'm always the under dressed one, sitting in the corner observing. mainly because i need my cyber gear, other wise i feel uninspired to dance. it's like wearing plaid pants and a jean jacket to a rave and dancing without glow sticks. anyways, w.a.s.te oped up, they were okay. i wasn't blown away, but i enjoyed their gothy industrial danceable set.
ok; so..., back to winterkalte...a drummer and a synth guy, that's it, yet multi-layered dimensions of rhythmic noise hacking away at my ears. at one point i really thought they were pretend playing and had a cd playing in the background. they played flawlessly, like nothing, but all these sonic textures kept emerging. at one point, my friend turned to me and said, "do you think they're really playing?" as the set when on, i realized that they totally were. the drummer was just awesome, that it looked like he was barely moving the sticks, but he was fluently creating every rhythmic pattern. the synth dude has such a normal next door kinda guy look, that it kept tripping me out every time i'd see him throwing in these drone-y harsh synth pulses. it was wild. my body vibrated with every pulse. i felt re-tuned. i love when music does that. it alters you when your sober, it inspires you, and just opens up a door inside you. i felt so charged by the energy of frequencies. i love loud music. i love power noise. i love combining the two. hand down, one of my favorite shows of all time.

almost, finally...

i'm so glad classes are almost over. i want to be done with finals; i want to relax. i love learning, seriously, but homework and tests kinda stress me out. i also want to enjoy the end of the year without prioritizing homework. my goal list is huge, and i need to start marking off on it. luckily, this is the only month that has no retrograde planets. so i might actually get to somethings...
"A retrograde planet is a sleeping planet, and one that is not emitting its best and brightest light. We depend on the strong, robust energy of each planet to help us navigate our way through life, and when we are without it, we find that things don't fit together quickly and easily. This month is rare in that all planets will be marching to the same quick-paced tune! " (s.miller)

time and such.

time actually moved slow today, even in the studio. how remarkable. that rarely happens. four hours felt like eight. i love when the universe does that. i got to record upright bass on some acoustic tracks, it sounded sooooo nice. i love simple notes resonating in vibrant rooms. the piano on the high register really rings out in that room, creating haunting warm tones. it's unhuman.
as i discovered today, "there is a ballerina song in all of us."
i met someone today who's afraid of paper cuts. isn't that adorable? he said he knows someone who's afraid of table clothes.

years end.

this is a beautiful photo i randomly found on flickr. artist is unknown. used without permission.

the year is coming to an end... an unbelievable journey of growth, learning, connections, understanding, maturity, creativity...the energy of life throbbing at every moment. 2008 was a 1 year, a year of beginnings. it was definitely the beginning of my next phase of development. i'm such a different person now than i was one year ago, let alone five, but for the best always. although everything felt like it was moving really fast, i feel accomplished and fulfilled by all my experiences. i met amazing people, worked on amazing projects, discovered much about myself, what i'm capable of, what i truly love. i'm so grateful for this immense beauty and life lessons that were presented to me. they made me a stronger person. they made me unafraid. they kept me humble. i pray for beauty and awareness to touch all. i look forward to watching the universe do its dance like a rebellious ballerina, graceful and chaotic, toward a new infinite light.