love.

there's this man that comes into the coffee shop. he talks about abstract art on thin paper, and falling in love with someone you'll never be with. at first, that idea was foreign and isolating, love without your love? i ran into him again today, somehow that same thought seemed honest and forgiving. i love all the imperfect relationships my mind has with beautiful strangers. his words sounded from a higher source. he said, "never settle for less than your equal. there is someone that is equal to you." my heart has an unsettling romantic dialog with long lost loves from other cosmic parallel lives. does equality find love rancid and drink every passionate drop of juice till the end? or does love become perfection? i'm not really sure how to answer that. i'm not even sure i know what i mean.
i feel rather empty and disillusioned. i'm floating on this merry go round. the music is a dream.

x-mas.

it was damp this morning. i spent this morning trying to figure out facebook. what a strange place. it makes me realize how abstract social relationships are becoming. my roomie friend and i decided to spend our day at the ocean, so we drove to san pedro, my favorite place. san pedro is so humble and magical. when i am walking on the rocks i feel like i'm on another planet. they look so unformed and exotic, like i landed on venus or something, where everything is pure and the life form is just water, sea creatures, and rocks. i love how rocks become soft around the edges from the constant collision with other rocks, that is the nature of the ocean. it's so daring and edgy. i feel so alive when i'm by the water. i feel like a city mermaid who's visiting home. a comforting place that makes my heart warm. the sea is alive. the sea creatures are breathing deeply. the little pools of water that form between edges of rocks, look like fairy ponds. the moss is vital and forming on rocks. the ocean is undisturbed by industrial architecture. it is a untamed and free. my genetic memories enlighten by the ocean. time is uncompressed and life is moving. my dreams are as big as the sea.

cold air.

it's so cold, i can't feel my bones. maybe it's that all my clothes are made of thin material. i keep getting the same sickness. i think it's because of the cold at night. i've been dreaming icicles. maybe it's my weak immune system. i want to feel my throat again.
i've been having illusions again. illusions that i went to this imaginary place so i could be surprised with love. a love that will never exist because it's for the better. sometimes i hate that things are for the better and you can't have them. even though there is a higher purpose, i so want to "have" those things. sometimes.

winter solstice.

winter: in the depths of winter we go within. the darkness is an inner meditation, the concept: who are we? like the cold dark corners the earth rotates into, we rotate within ourselves. what needs to be examined closer; what needs more light? the darkness is apart of the healing we do within ourselves. the cycle is organic.
last night, we were 15. the words "we are the ones" echoed faintly in my head. what does that mean? but a gentle voice of a man led us into the darkness. it was quiet, i was in joy. the picture of a familiar face on the wall made me giggle in my soul. his peace and presence reminded me that things will always be the way they were meant, even if it takes hundreds or thousands of years, they will be. maybe that's why his calm smile the picture capture made me feel at ease.
now i have a white feather i nurture. it is my child. i give it love and light so it can grow, and one day be free.
winter is a beautiful concept.

saying...

"There is an ancient Indian saying that something lives only as long as the last person who remembers it. My people have come to trust memory over history. Memory, like fire, is radiant and immutable while history serves only those who seek to control it, those who douse the flame of memory in order to put out the dangerous fire of truth. Beware these men for they are dangerous themselves and unwise. Their false history is written in the blood of those who might remember and of those who seek the truth." -spoken by Floyd Westerman as "Albert Hosteen" in The X-Files episode "The Blessing Way", written by Chris Carter

ghosts and cyborgs.

i had a dream that my brothers god parents died. when they died i saw the energies. i was able to talk to them and physically see them. they told me how they enjoyed being able to travel anywhere and come back fast, because in the energy side you're not bound by the limitations a physical body has, so you can travel at light speed. so they would keep coming back and communicating with me, it was quite fun. i baked them a cake, even though they couldn't eat it, but i knew the smells would feed them. so i kept making things for them that would feed their energy. it was a fun gift to have, i wasn't frightened at all by this ability.
i'm officially done with classes and I feel very achieved by the results.
i got into a "discussion" today about health, values, cybernetics, etc. i'm not one of those people that likes to convert people and try to make them believe me, but when people come out with stupid(not thought out) sayings, i will defend my opinions. however, i don't enjoy arguments or discussions like that. if your one of those people that thinks your always right and wants to tell people how you think they should be because you know what's best for them, seriously re-think your statements. i do have strong opinions and i always stick to what i know, but i don't go around telling people what they should do, unless the ask me for my opinion. i don't care if people eat meat or not, or if they believe the next president is g-d, or if they think society will function better as cyborgs, but when people tell me that i shouldn't do this or that, and they haven't even questioned their own way of life, i start questioning...is there any hope for the human race? yes there are facts, and they are man made by our own scientific and mathematical formulations. we are limited by our own definitions. what this society could use is not more morons who think they know, but people who are still questioning, searching for the answers. if we had all the answers, we wouldn't be in such a globally disoriented mess.

retrograde?

okay so no planets are retrograde this month, but if any day felt like mercury retrograde it was today. with the plumbers in my apartment working on the piping in the bathroom, i was left with 2 unnecessary gigantic holes in the wall. then the tentants that live above me decided to poor large amounts of water on the walls so that it would leak down to my kitchen, just cause they like to cause havoc. to top it all off my internet wasn't working for a better half of the day. strange petunias! on a brighter note, i think i did wonderfully on my math test. how did i prepare? i watched stand and deliver the night before my final.

bolt.

i just got back from the movies. i went to see bolt at el capitan. always a fun time. it's so dramatic and hollywood fantastical, i just love it. the organist. the pre-movie theatrics-this time of year it's all chrismas themed song and dance. today was a bonus though, because the movie was showing in 3-d, so we got 3-d glasses, which is always awesome. i enjoyed the special effects more than anything. a cute film though. defintaley summed up my feeling towards l.a. a big fanastical movie, where a lot of people get lost thinking it's all real.
it was nice to be on hollywood boulevard on a cold rainy day. there was a nice humble feeling about it, until of course i saw spider man posing on a fire hydrant for some tourist pictures. hollywood never fails to be what it was all glammed out to be.

bird.

i want to learn the language of the birds.

interpret the songs they sing on tree tops.
speak to them in their native tongues.
their melodies hover between spirit and earth.
i'm convinced of their supernatural nature.
they are of ether.
the physics of their nature moves me.
whistling throats tone words of unspoken movement.
they sound love, triumph, and melancholic memories
the vibration of tiny throats resonates valleys and mountain peaks.
they are without death.

red crow.

today is the one year anniversary from which red crow passed into the spirit realm. bless his soul.
today it is a full moon, the fifth and final super moon of 2008. it is closest to the earth and directly aligned with the sun and earth.
in all other astrological news...
"The Sun and Mars (in Sagittarius), the Moon (in Gemini), Saturn (in Virgo), and Uranus (in Pisces) form a mutable Grand Cross."
today i spent my energy in the studio. it was a fulfilling day.
i'm ready to say goodnight.

dressing room

there are very high beauty standard for women, way more than men. (i'm not complaining, seriously). beauty is something i'm trying to understand... how attractions capture us, how our eyes become fixed magnets on certain beauties. how shapes and faces move us. it's a strange allure. i never really consider my beauty to the outside world... how do others percieve me? is what i see in the mirror what others see, or does my inner self radiate beyond my physical? it's an abstract concept in many ways. well, today i was in a clothing store seeking dressy pants and tops. as i was trying on clothes, i felt horrified at my image. the combination of the florescent lights and the exaggerated image coming through the mirror definately imposed a low self image on me. i felt very alien and unsure of myself. do i really look like this? if i do, does it matter? a lot of self image psychology was running through my head. i felt like i needed to like never eat again. why did i feel like that? well because part of me is psychologically tormented by beauty standards, and even though i don't consume myself in that world, it is so apparant and real that it consumes me. i let it. i wonder if glossy super models look discolored and lame infront of dressing room mirrors. does make them cry?

in the depths of winter.

i saw winterkalte at the das bunker last night. first off, i've been dreaming about seeing any hands groups in general, but winterkalte is a real treat. they're a for real power noise group. they're no fine lines with them, it's pure rhythmic noise, tribal like trance-i-ness, meshed with jabbering synth pulses that invade your soul. here's a good description i found on the net from there cd review: "a tsunami of sound that sucks up the lamentation of the owls, the fading signal of old rusted satellites and the fiery hiss of shortwave interference and throws all three into a high speed blender." <--- that's them in a nut shell. going to the das bunker is always a trip because it really puts into perspective the amount of industrial/goths in this area. i'm always the under dressed one, sitting in the corner observing. mainly because i need my cyber gear, other wise i feel uninspired to dance. it's like wearing plaid pants and a jean jacket to a rave and dancing without glow sticks. anyways, w.a.s.te oped up, they were okay. i wasn't blown away, but i enjoyed their gothy industrial danceable set.
ok; so..., back to winterkalte...a drummer and a synth guy, that's it, yet multi-layered dimensions of rhythmic noise hacking away at my ears. at one point i really thought they were pretend playing and had a cd playing in the background. they played flawlessly, like nothing, but all these sonic textures kept emerging. at one point, my friend turned to me and said, "do you think they're really playing?" as the set when on, i realized that they totally were. the drummer was just awesome, that it looked like he was barely moving the sticks, but he was fluently creating every rhythmic pattern. the synth dude has such a normal next door kinda guy look, that it kept tripping me out every time i'd see him throwing in these drone-y harsh synth pulses. it was wild. my body vibrated with every pulse. i felt re-tuned. i love when music does that. it alters you when your sober, it inspires you, and just opens up a door inside you. i felt so charged by the energy of frequencies. i love loud music. i love power noise. i love combining the two. hand down, one of my favorite shows of all time.

almost, finally...

i'm so glad classes are almost over. i want to be done with finals; i want to relax. i love learning, seriously, but homework and tests kinda stress me out. i also want to enjoy the end of the year without prioritizing homework. my goal list is huge, and i need to start marking off on it. luckily, this is the only month that has no retrograde planets. so i might actually get to somethings...
"A retrograde planet is a sleeping planet, and one that is not emitting its best and brightest light. We depend on the strong, robust energy of each planet to help us navigate our way through life, and when we are without it, we find that things don't fit together quickly and easily. This month is rare in that all planets will be marching to the same quick-paced tune! " (s.miller)

time and such.

time actually moved slow today, even in the studio. how remarkable. that rarely happens. four hours felt like eight. i love when the universe does that. i got to record upright bass on some acoustic tracks, it sounded sooooo nice. i love simple notes resonating in vibrant rooms. the piano on the high register really rings out in that room, creating haunting warm tones. it's unhuman.
as i discovered today, "there is a ballerina song in all of us."
i met someone today who's afraid of paper cuts. isn't that adorable? he said he knows someone who's afraid of table clothes.

years end.

this is a beautiful photo i randomly found on flickr. artist is unknown. used without permission.

the year is coming to an end... an unbelievable journey of growth, learning, connections, understanding, maturity, creativity...the energy of life throbbing at every moment. 2008 was a 1 year, a year of beginnings. it was definitely the beginning of my next phase of development. i'm such a different person now than i was one year ago, let alone five, but for the best always. although everything felt like it was moving really fast, i feel accomplished and fulfilled by all my experiences. i met amazing people, worked on amazing projects, discovered much about myself, what i'm capable of, what i truly love. i'm so grateful for this immense beauty and life lessons that were presented to me. they made me a stronger person. they made me unafraid. they kept me humble. i pray for beauty and awareness to touch all. i look forward to watching the universe do its dance like a rebellious ballerina, graceful and chaotic, toward a new infinite light.