almost, finally...

i'm so glad classes are almost over. i want to be done with finals; i want to relax. i love learning, seriously, but homework and tests kinda stress me out. i also want to enjoy the end of the year without prioritizing homework. my goal list is huge, and i need to start marking off on it. luckily, this is the only month that has no retrograde planets. so i might actually get to somethings...
"A retrograde planet is a sleeping planet, and one that is not emitting its best and brightest light. We depend on the strong, robust energy of each planet to help us navigate our way through life, and when we are without it, we find that things don't fit together quickly and easily. This month is rare in that all planets will be marching to the same quick-paced tune! " (s.miller)

time and such.

time actually moved slow today, even in the studio. how remarkable. that rarely happens. four hours felt like eight. i love when the universe does that. i got to record upright bass on some acoustic tracks, it sounded sooooo nice. i love simple notes resonating in vibrant rooms. the piano on the high register really rings out in that room, creating haunting warm tones. it's unhuman.
as i discovered today, "there is a ballerina song in all of us."
i met someone today who's afraid of paper cuts. isn't that adorable? he said he knows someone who's afraid of table clothes.

years end.

this is a beautiful photo i randomly found on flickr. artist is unknown. used without permission.

the year is coming to an end... an unbelievable journey of growth, learning, connections, understanding, maturity, creativity...the energy of life throbbing at every moment. 2008 was a 1 year, a year of beginnings. it was definitely the beginning of my next phase of development. i'm such a different person now than i was one year ago, let alone five, but for the best always. although everything felt like it was moving really fast, i feel accomplished and fulfilled by all my experiences. i met amazing people, worked on amazing projects, discovered much about myself, what i'm capable of, what i truly love. i'm so grateful for this immense beauty and life lessons that were presented to me. they made me a stronger person. they made me unafraid. they kept me humble. i pray for beauty and awareness to touch all. i look forward to watching the universe do its dance like a rebellious ballerina, graceful and chaotic, toward a new infinite light.

yesterday.

the rain was with us, as we captured melodies like butterflies, from the source of light.

rain.

rain is beautiful, especially at night, how it pours itself so honestly. water.
the exchange of words cannot describe the beauty of life right now, with all it complexities and intricate patterns. om - the sacred silence. if i weren't so tired, maybe i could create analogies and use the right words, but all i can do is relax in knowing that things are happening in really organic ways.
i'm inspired to:
start recording images as photographs.
make a compilation of
go to the mountains.
walk next to the ocean with my bare feet.
write songs about my dreams.
meet the spirits who channel me through the music.

the universe is a lot more involved then we feel comfortable thinking...

i'm nausea, i devoured lunch, though i wasn't extremely ravenous, and bought coffee(dumb). it was one of those well sized sandwiches that is over zealously filled (with grilled firm tofu, avocados, beans, tomatoes, on a rustic roll-yumminess), and the only way to contain it was eat it all at once, plus the flavors were excessively gratifying. i don't regret the deliciousness at all. my body is just soooo sensitive, that even healthy options are overwhelming to my chemistry if they are calorie dense.
i'm in math class, and i really need to start paying attention. i'm starting to loose track of what i'm learning. i like math, because unlike my emotions, it is simple, it has rules, they don't change, and it's a language based on laws; nothing interpretive, just real answers, you're either wrong or right, but there is always a solution. how nice, there are simple things in life <3.

a little dizzy from the motion...

it was cool and breezy today, the man-made chem clouds still loomed, even despite the lack of sunlight, which makes me suspicious as to what they are really doing there. i had to force myself outside, to go to the gym, to feel accomplished. i just needed to sweat and break my lazy habits, so i just ran to nowhere, while watching tourist take photographs in front of lamp posts. it was o.k., i felt my toxicity pour out, the smell burned my brain, i just want to be pure again. i want to sweat every drop of poison out.

delicate flower.

i'm a delicate flower in your hands,
your words are boulders.
wilted snow white,
i bruise black.

crushing soft milk petals,
i wish that strength inside me.

silhouetted against trees,
earth bore you immense.
upon seeds that never grow,
you stand 10 - feet - tall.

shallow and meek
my leaves burn against wind.
retracted moon lit pedals,
dancer of shadows.

awaiting the day,
the soft blossoms will grow.

the way.

"Everyday life distracts us from our larger purpose." -Michael Berg
and to add to that... cute things are distractions for girls...and cute girls are distractions for boys...which in turn leads to this endless cycle of distractions. interesting, life's pleasures are life's distractions. but what would the journey be without the distractions? maybe those are the challenges we need to transcend. so what is my larger purpose for today, how does is connect to the larger purpose of my life? and does it have anything to do with boots?

on another note, i enjoy myself, and two tons of rubble is the greatest thing right now.

six a m

it's six am, cold, the sun peaking, behind me you follow slowly. you are my protector. i wonder how you came to me, how you knew to choose me, of all the places and people you've seen. i somehow became your challenging masterpiece, all broken and displaced, wandering emptiness. how did i come to this desert? and how did you come to be?.. motherless, heroic, the age of aquarian prophet. i wish that i could absorb everything good in you so it can make me strong and unafraid, but somehow i'm completely ok with my fragile self, layered and contradicted.

beautiful melodies...

some days feel like they are going to turn into scattered ashes on city pavement; unrecognized, forgotten, and eventually decomposed. Then there are moments that can turn your whole day around, imprinting the image of an everlasting brilliant star.
today i was sitting in math, feeling mentally fuzzy, listening to a distant voice trying to explain parabolic graphs. it made me think back to high school, 9th grade, (x,y) coordinates, obnoxiously normal teenagers, and the creepy looks my high school math teacher would give me. maybe that's why i felt completely disinterested in class... i thought maybe a nice lunch would make me feel better, but no matter how good of food i get out, it's never as good as how i feed myself. a cold noodle salad with spinach, tofu, basil, peanuts, spices...didn't quite cut the cake. i felt rather cheated of nutrition and wholesome flavors.
but then the most magical thing happened...i met up with a dear friend in the studio, and we created memories so ecstatic they shone like sunshine in my soul.
the sound of the acoustic guitar, the soft ambiance of city traffic resonating in the back ground, the feeling of spirits that always roam those walls. it was every memory i ever had, it was every emotion i've ever felt, it was everything i've always dreamed. isn't it strange how music can do that? it really digs deeply into your center and pulls out the most honest spaces and makes them echo through time.

oh dandelion!

Dandelions are sooo precious. I could fill my entire body with their jagged leaves, until my belly
grows their delicate flowers, and my mouth sprouts their seeds.
I would blow my wishes across universes
with their star seeds,
fill black holes with their pure light,
dream endless love in their green fields.
Oh dandelion! Oh dandelion!
You are an elixir of heaven on my tongue.

aglow.

it turned out to be a beautiful night after the intensity of today. the fires, the emotions, the tensions, the strange happenings, all drifted away. the light made it's way down this dense planet and enlightened myself and all those wonderful beings surrounding me, for even just moments. oh holy light, you're a remarkable art. may i continue to be reminded of your immense power to transform anything into a beloved pure state.

"In the town of broken dreams, the streets are filled with regret. Maybe down in lonesome town, I can learn to forget"

old records, old songs, old microphones, old records just get better with time.

there's nothing stranger to the tongue than a warm apple...

these past two years in los angeles have felt like an extended vacation, an eternal summer...a disneyland of dreams...a film noir of love. when i was 18 i stepped onto california ground for the first time, in this physical form at least, and after a week i was like a baby begging to go home. the second time i stepped onto this soil, i didn't leave, except for travel. everything was(is) magical...the sprawling city dazzled me with it's desert ambiance and hollywood glow. the sun continues to beat hard day in and day out. it's fall, and i'm still sweating from this pulsating heat. i don't think i was really meant for the southern lifestyle. it's too pretty, it's too good, i find it hard to be ambitious when i feel like i'm on a really long vacation. i understand now why starlets, rockstars, pre-madonnas, scriptwriters, etc, need this environment. it keeps you relaxed, glowing, and pampered. unfortunately i've lost all sense of time, seasons never really come in the city, it just a cycle of hot, cooler, rainy, warm, but it's always dry. i actually prefer northern cities, with their moist air, cold rainy days, vibrant spring shine. although, humid summers are the worst. so it's fall and i want to see foliage without having to drive xxxmiles to some outer county. i want to wear a fall coat during the day for like 3 months in a row. i want to feel the holidays coming. i want to hear the wind rattling my ear drums. but i'm at a crossroads, because i never want to leave paradise...

the desert

the sun came and went today. i felt useless. my body just ached and ached. i tried to be productive but my own mental interruptions prevailed. i was having a hard time understanding today, blurriness... i feel like a failed friend, because of my own weaknesses. stranded in the desert, i pictured the scene perfectly in my mind, did i make it happen? the gust of wind that danced the dirt and sand into motion, left you alone. maybe all these signs are more than pictures, maybe they are stories we will tell our children about how we are left alone, in the desert moon light, awaiting a savior, a friend that never comes. i wish that savior into me.

wow...

I found my old blog by accident, how time moves...2 years! Soooo much has happened in between that void, mostly things that are better left in shadows of memory. We become so immersed in technology and the comfort of cybernetic relations, that sometimes it's soothing to be without it. It was nice to re read that time period, definitely gave me a lot of perspective. That was a totally different person, or perhaps I'm the totally different person. In some ways things are the same, no great love to write about, no great adventures to share, only different spaces and faces, and my body and my face have transformed throughout that time. I've learned so many things about myself and more keeps unraveling. Everything is quite regular in life I quess, many layers though. I'm still not sure why I'm writing... Maybe perspective, maybe memory, maybe the feeling of belonging, creating meaningful experiences within technology. ahh...technology...my true fascination and love.

erasing pink.

i erased the pink in my hair and am now an unaturally expensive brunette. i don't know how super models constantly dye, perm, straighten, whatever their hair. it's often times a long uncomfortable process and the chemicals usually leave me with lingering headaches. however, i am now back to the simple look which is not as fun. why can't people grow pink hair?

anyway...besides spending the day erasing pink, i've been recovering from an evil stomach bug, i can't tell whether it's from my diet, the alcohol, the pesticide, or the sweltering heat. either way, i spent all of last night puking and had a series of terrifying dreams followed by one amazing one. it involved amazing people i love from spain.

all in all, i'm quite hazy today. even though i had a wonderful weekend in the studio, i still feel lazy and in need of a paying job. i'm scared about the next few weeks, lingering in the residue of post-school-love-music-sex. i'm swelling up with memories that seem like dreams now. heading towards the unknown, alone, and on my way to a strange new land.

my soul took a vacation.

I spent the weekend recording my best friend's songs and then went to Vegas for a day and a half. I had a wonderful time with really amazing people. We hiked on the Calico Tank trail, meditated with the earth, hung out with a crane, and skipped stones. It was a long needed vacation for my mindbody. The Vegas nite scene was disappointing, over exaggerated boobs and being bombarded with neon lights and billboards, yuck. The drive home was quite spectacular though. We stopped in at the Grand Canyon, hung out in Flagstaff for an amazing vegan lunch, and drove through Sedona to complete the spiritual cleansing. I feel so unbelievably centered and calmed by life right now and inspired to step into the next phase of excitement. I've recently completed the first round of challenges and on to the next ones!
Namaste.

it's late or early

i should be sleeping, or studying the ssl. i can't help but think restlessly about the future and how blank it looks right now. blank in the sense that i'm not really to sure where all this is taking me. it's hard for me to focus when i feel like i have very little time. things seemed to have transformed greatly within the past few months. i've broken out some metaphoric cocoon. i've been thinking a lot about living more simply, but the contradiction is that i involve myself more and more with electronics and technology. go figure.
i better get some sleep before i regret it in the morning.