stare

i stare in mirrors, bloodshot eyes, dangerous motions make me sick. weightless i fall into the distant memory of myself. i remember baby hands and soft eyes, lucid dreams of alter egos. when the thoughts come to me, my love becomes fiction. it is teeth with fear, it is legs and lust, it has motion and it screams. jaguars riping into skin, blood lust, prey in the mouths of desire. everything swollen, my lips read sign language, the body is dialog. i sink into yr teeth, riping every layer apart, my hands become the portal to yr love land. worn out, i am drunken butterflies spiraling. this is the story we write on. relativity has theory, complex symbolism in yr dress, cross eyed, sipping tea, watching time prespire, every woman is the moon, heavy, cold, weightless...spinning mindlessly in circles through the ether.

i am.

i am the imagination of myself.

backwards forwards.

a looking glass of mirrors.

i am the self of existence.

estranged by constellations,
in dreams i am.

shattered.

my thoughts brings me to places i'll never really go.
half awake i stare, shattered teeth gripping.

useless all these memories,
with half lives spent wasted,
trying to conjure appetite for some
real existence.

we rode buses and sea creatures
up so far, till galaxies became blurry.

now we speak languages
with tongues so twisted
all meaning becomes lost.

shaped like sunlight
some moments become entangled by truth.

awake in the distant sea
our karmic stories drone the ocean,
loud lullabies
sung only through dreams.

my bloody valentine.

it seems that every where i turned there were people kissing, making out, exposing their love on all fronts.
is it because it's "valentine's day?" or are there just a lot of adorable couples experiencing love and i just happened to notice it today? either way, it was kinda beautiful. usually i barf at that kind of stuff, but it was so authentic. people expressing their affection and all. my love has been distorted and devoid of existential meaning for the most part, so it was nice to see couples that looked right and well adjusted. i enjoy seeing people who totally match on all fronts together. love that's about complementing each other and co-existing. it's really a sacred space. many people live their whole lives and many life times after that searching for divine love. it's a delicate sacredness of bliss.
my love? well, it may seem object based, but really...it's vintage tubes, knobs, and really hi fidelity electronic components, which includes oscillators, frequency dependent gain, and so forth, that's the only kind of affection i find my heart resonating too. oh yeah, and the divine divine universal cosmic code _ _ _ _ _ my heart beats deeply for the eternal.

viva la new york

we drove into the sun rise, the pink glow of the city shone amidst the industrial bridges, everything was perfect.
my love for this place had been renewed. i've visited many cities and drove to some of the most amazing places across the country, yet none could match the magic and ethereal beauty of new york.
sometimes i wonder what kept me away for this long, but in the big scheme of things, it really wasn't a long time. i'm glad i left and came back. my eyes are renewed. i no longer wonder what it would be like to live in an entirely different city. my heart is calm. i know this place.
i'm enjoying the winter. the white snow glistening around me, i'm breathing icicles. it's funny to think that just last week i was living in 80 degree weather, soaking in the sun.
some memories from the road:
- getting blinded by some ufo light.
- seeing nuclear power plants
- walking a fairy desert trail and taking in the energy of the land.
- the amazing arizona landscape that almost made me hallucinate.
- visiting the recording school.
- feeling like i was in a steven speilberg film, like 5 times.
- getting locked into a 7-11 by some psycho guy.
- sleeping in -6 degree weather.
- the ark in st. louis, missouri.
- getting pulled over by cops like 3 times, twice in two consecutive states, and once while i was really stoned.
- seeing a military plane that looked like a gigantic bullet in the sky, and hearing the aftermath of the sound barrier.
- getting extremely lost in oklahama and being really pissed about not being able to find a post office.
- having a gps system glitch out everytime i wanted to go somewhere.

so i'm still a little worn out from traveling. i haven't quite fully recovered from the trip.

leaving.

it's been a few days since i've had time to reflect. i almost forgot about this place, and my thoughts have been floating.
it's strange how when you leave a place you really start to see thing, like who yr friends are, and people who actually care for you, and those that respect you and those that could care less. we build all these illusions with each other, pretending with happiness, but it's really just mediocrity. i'm pretty apathetic about the whole thing, considerably. i'm not really sure there is a perfect place to be, just where we need to be and where we are at the moment.
i chopped all my hair off and dyed it copper red. i wanted to look like a james bond spy, but i don't think i'm skinny enough for that. all attention is drawn to the features of my face. i feel exposed and rather unashamed of who i am.
i know this journey is gonna forever change my path. another fork in the road. i'm ready for the ice and the end of hibernation. i'm ready to drive into sunsets and leave the remaining parts of myself with the desert, where the power of the sun lives. i will always be here. my memory is attached on some spirit realm to this epic landscape. in my dreams i will die here.