desire.

sometimes his image pops into my mind. he is everything i lust and everything i don't want. plutos bastard son sent from some divine code. somehow i know he has the ability to save me, because of his touch and the way i feel when i'm near him. i have that same ability to save him, if he let me, but i know there are too many blurry mirrors in our way. when i remember him, my memory spans back to the beginning of my existence and the first feeling of love. it's the wrong kind of love but sometimes i think that love has more desire and more obstructions, it has illusions and attachments. it is desire. it is hungry and it lures me. i want it to eat me up.

mother goddess.

like old friends we continued the universal conversation. cosmic translations represented the truth of consciousness. where we were and where we are and how the story became. the mother goddess has been re-connecting us. she has been doing it all along. time just passes slow in this plane, and things feel like they took a really long time to manifest. all alone, she has given us this connection. we are her children, her students, her seeds she has sown into this earth. our plants and flowers blossom the universal truth of all beings.
i felt my energy very sensitive. sometimes almost uncomfortable with it's transparency. a lot of light. a lot of memory. the story of the universe is deep.

objects in time.

it's funny how we find ourselves with objects, many little objects that collect in our life. when you want to put your stuff in boxes you realize how you have these random tiny things like post-its, pens, tape, charms, sea shells, whatever else. they're these things that decorate your needs, and make you realize how living simply isn't a common thing. so i'm sorting through all this stuff, i feel like i barely have many things, yet all these things add up and create more space. it's such a wierd phenomenon.
it hasn't phased me yet that my life is about to drastically change.
my heads been filled with astrological concepts of myself, karmic conversations, and melting self illusions. i believe this journey is taking me to myself. all the way to the beginning of time.

mermaid day.

lovely day by the ocean.
brilliant sun light.
warm air, cool water,
fresh oxygen, beauty all around.






today i said goodbye to lovely strangers.
it was nice to recharge by the water,
its energy is divine and gigantic.

sunny days

these last couple of days have been ultra perfect southern california weather. the weather is at such a comfortable temperature that you can't help but feel content. after work i stopped by the fruit stand and bought a bag of two fruits that aren't in season, mangoes and pineapples, covered with chili and lemon. i was standing on larchmont awaiting my fruit, watching this man at work, the sun radiating so much light, a perfect back drop against the palm trees, and i thought to myself, "in all it's made up reality, this is a paradise in so many ways." i remembered the feeling of just moving to l.a and walking in perfect temperature days, absorbing in the tropical desert vibe, and feeling like i just arrived on a movie set. i thought i'd never leave. why would you want to leave this man made heaven? that feeling still lingers inside me.

love(part 2): wild little jungle.

we sat in the sun surrounded by an untamed jungle garden. the conversation was really a gift. i never felt an answer could be drawn to the complications of love. could raw love really be simplified? i read him poetry because on some basic level our stories were intertwined. his past was my un-imagined future, which i slowly dissolved to eradicate that kind of mental addiction to romanticism. i watched his walls, how his windows had curtains that could be drawn, how his studio had little windows that could be opened and the view led to a spiraling green jungle. he said his un-kept garden needed attention, but i saw it needed none, just to grow wildly, like his love never grew. i've had many conversations with older men who have learned many things through out their lives, yet we seem to be able to connect our conversations timelessly. i'll never forget the words one man told me once while we were having lunch months ago. about his wife: he said, "she's a really great, smart, wonderful woman, but never really what i wanted "physically." that hurt me, even though it was completely unrelated to me. i thought "wow, i never want to feel like that." today in our conversation we talk about that, the physical. how when you add sex into the equation, but not just sex, but the layers that are really the magnetic field around it, this whole story become like a wild little jungle of it's own. physical love, that kind of lure is demeaning.
i don't really know why we began talking in the first place. he just approached me, like an angel, completely trusting me to listen to his story. somehow, there were all these syncronisities that tied in, the jungian psychology surrounding the jungian student, the music of the late 60's and 70's, the un-ruly art that explored color like how my un-ruly mind explores layers, and the story after story that just melted into all my stories, but somehow had different boundaries. there was all this psychology wrapped around abstract art, bulging out, waiting to become. the words loomed through the paintings, i like undefined outlines, raw, with vibrant color. the sun was really bright. it was a beautiful california sunny day. i don't really know how to describe this kind of interaction, but it made me feel on a really deep level, some sort of continuity with leaving and becoming and discovering and dreaming. all i could think about was anias nin on paper back juxtaposed against a cinder block wall that hung a birth control chart of diaphrams. i think the rest of the story somehow takes place in new york...
it's hard to think that i could have left much sooner, but i was chasing after love, and it led me to all these beautiful places i would have never gone, had that feeling never initially been there.

ring of hearts.

i had a love ring. it was given to me so that i would draw more love into my life. the right kind of love. i wore it everyday. it helped me a lot. the more i wore it, the more i felt comfortable being with myself. i was less interested in being with someone. i learned that the love i was after was like an addiction. an addiction to the wrong things, things that don't really make you happy, but you are somehow undeniably drawn to them. last weak the ring committed a sort of suicide. it released itself from me, and jumped down the bathroom sink. it wanted to leave me. i was cured. it represented the love that was not right for me. the love that i was so eager to devour, but i knew would intoxicate me to my death. i felt released on a number of levels. this time, my love rejected what i've been longing to release from. the chain bound by endless desire.
i mean, the thought of company seems nice, but it's a lonely world out there.

la dream.

i had a dream that new york was in la. it was a grey day, cold, depressing. the mountains were foggy but behind them were the downtown la buildings, all 10 of them of whatever. so they represented ny(i think). i rode the subway to this little village and as i was walking around i felt the desolate vast mirage. it was headed for destruction and i was leaving it all behind. the wind was telling me that i was making the right decision.

2009

if 2008 was the year of endings, conclusions, "wrapping things up," 2009 is the year of starting fresh. it seem like for the past 2 years, projects took long to develop, to complete themselves, there was a lot of stalling even though things were moving at a fast rate. i feel like i accomplished 2008, i finished with a record under my belt. "the" record that i've always been producing in my heart since i first fell in love with my 4 track cassette recorder. now that the dream has a space, something new will become. i'm not going to force anything into being, because that's impossible. i'm not going to put false notions on the future. i'm open to it. it was kind of a foreign feeling ending 2008 in LA, because 2009 will be NY. so long farewell is my resolution. i'm lifting the veil, the mirage is in LA.
As I stood on Melrose observing what LA is really about and taking in the feeling of "Hollywood," I saw the desert sprawled out...dreams diluted. I thought to myself..."Is there really an 'industry' here?" Sometime I feel that it's all pretend. Like there's just everyone hanging on this thin string, and once you pull it, it will all fall apart. I'm not being cynical or negative, I really feel the magic here. It's a jewel of a city, and my experiences have been life altering. There's just this juxtaposition of fantasy and realism. Sometimes it's hard to tell the difference.
The New Years Party was nice, I was mainly a wallflower but in company with a dear friend.
The vintage scene, old hank william songs, the crisp winter air, stories after stories, intoxication, the feeling of the "wild west," everything was quite golden in all it's simple mannerisms.
I decided love is not for me, here. It's somewhere else, unthought, spontaneous, and dreaming.
Relationships seemed so cliche, or was it the party? or aren't they really too much at times?
As I observed casual party conversation, I noticed that profound-ness is not admired or adorned in this century. People find comfort, they like the mundane, routine socializing, simple mind sets. the ambiguity is lost in meaning. definitions are so defining. Nobody cares about enlightenment in the same way Buddah or Jesus or Sarasvati did, poison is soothing and inviting. Things are plain. There are no rituals at parties, it's quite disheartening. Just small talk, maybe a few honest connections. Life in the 21st century...cellphones are my cigarette.

women

WOMEN on crenshaw was a noise show at a house(called WOMEN). It was really rad. Noise shows tend to be unpredictable, and usually I'll like a few performers, but there are always a few that don't pull me in that way. I actually enjoyed ever single artist that played that night. It was a truly spontaneous sound scape experience, well composed, and channeled. The vibe was nice. My favorite was Lithium Dream...very dream enhancing textures...I'm into mimimal synth layers. Moment trigger was tighter and more punk than ever. They a lot of powerful rhythmic nuances happening. I don't remember all the performers monickers...but they definately all rocked.